COUNTDOWN: 2 DAYS

As I sit here, sipping my midnight snack of beef broth, watching my 'old standby' television series, Charmed, and write perhaps my last pre-op post, I am so overwhelmed with thoughts that even if I could recount them all to you, you wouldn't gain an inch by hearing them.  Some of the thoughts are random.  Some irrational.  Some sad.  Some deeply happy.  Some afraid. Still others, rediculous.

The common denominator is that once I go to sleep Monday, my future is fully in the hands of others.  I think the worst thing, is that I have to give up the control I pretend to have.  My whole idea of what is stable and real is shaking underneath my feet.  Why do I let my imagination run so wild? 

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that even when I'm not in control, God is.  When things fall apart, They can come back together.  He can put them back.  He can set things right.

God, give me peace.  Stabilize my thoughts.  Clear my mind.  Let me rest.  You will get the credit you deserve, I can assure you.  i know I can't do any of that on my own right now.

Countdown: FOUR.....

Today was a good news day.  I woke up and got Riley to school on time, and went to work.  I called my Surgeon's office and made certain that I could have surgery even with poison ivy, and it was OKAY to go to my regular doctor and receive an injection of cortisone-AKA hyper-adult-isone-in my fanny.  My Lord in Heaven above, that stuff stings.  All I could say to the nurse, was "Thanks a lot."  I meant it kindly, but really, how do you thank someone cheerfully for sticking a needle in your backside?  We both laughed and I hobbled up to the cashier to then PAY for the medicine I carried out of the clinic in my rear end.  It was a matter of minutes before the shot began to work, though, and I am feeling much better, and much relieved that there will be no hang-up for surgery day from this ordeal.

Work is wrapping up nicely.  I have finished a HUGE transcription project from a 2.5 hour meeting of ten or so people, sometimes all talking at the same time.  Took me almost three full days of working as I was able to get all 4559 words transcribed.  Yay me!  And, now I'm typing again, because I WANT to.  I think I could do with some brain surgery, too, while I'm under.

But it's okay.  I'll make do with the brain God gave me, however convoluted its pathways may be.

I have tonight at home with my family, and with two broken computers to keep me busy.  I will try to get them fixed tonight.  I told both people that I would either have it done tonight, or I wouldn't get it done.  So, wish me luck!  Or, I guess, wish them luck. :)

Tomorrow night I get to go hang out with my bestest friend Lindsay Gayler!  We are going to play music for a going away party for some of her family.  I can't wait to eat BBQ until I can't breathe, and then try to play the guitar and sing real loud!  Bring it! 

Saturday, I don't have the slightest idea what I'll do, but I can assure you that I will be nowhere NEAR the out-of-doors and the evils of ivy.  Next post, I'll fill you in :)

Sunday, still dreading.  Liquids only and a Grape-Flavored Magnesium Citrate Cocktail at 5 p.m.

I think I'll gulp it from a wine glass, just so I'll feel sophisticated.

And then....well....I'll spare you the details.  There is a good friend of mine who can finish the and then phrase....with something her daughter said in a game once upon a time.  Inside joke, but I KNOW she reads this, and I KNOW she'll get it!  AND SHE BETTER TEXT ME WHEN SHE DOES! :)

Have super fun this weekend all, and God Bless You All!

Countdown: 5 DAYS!

Well, 5 days tomorrow, actually, but I guess I am counting the days until I have to start the bowel prep.  Yeah, not looking forward to that. 

In the meantime...yes.  I DO have poison ivy all over my face.  I am trying desperately to get it to dry up before surgery.  I would be devastated if they say I have to postpone surgery again.  I have scrubbed and washed, and washed and scrubbed.  Alcohol, bleach (ouch!), baking powder, salt (ouch! but works!) oatmeal bath, oatmeal masque, hydrocortisone cream, benadryl cream with zinc, everything I can think of to dry my skin.

 I have done all kinds of research on the subject in the last two days.  I did learn that the rash isn't contagious to others, and the rash isn't spread by scratching, not exactly.  It can be spread that way if you still have the oil from the plant under your fingernails.  I clipped my nails all the way down and scrubbed under them.  I have scrubbed my face incessantly, and the rash hasn't spread. It is good to break the blisters and get the drying agents down into them, as long as you keep everything clean and don't just scratch randomly.  It is drying up really fast.  I'm praying I can beat the clock.

I should be careful what I ask for.  I was all worried because I had run out of ways to prepare for Monday, and I was going to have to just wait.  Now I can scrub my face off for the next 5 days while I while away the hours.

Countdown: One Week Left!

It has been a pretty good weekend.  Michael and I managed to get the yard mowed, between the two of us.  He did the really hard stuff, and I did some easy stuff that was really hard for me.  But, it was so worth it.  Our yard looks lovely, and it will still look good when I get home from my time away.  The laundry is all done, and the dishes, too.  There will be comfort in my home while I am away from it.  My boys will be taken care of.

In other news, I think I have poison Ivy on my face. I am praying that it doesn't mess up my surgery day.

Tomorrow, Riley goes to the Second Grade.  He is excited, and so am I!  I can't believe he is 8 years old.  I will drop him off at school tomorrow, and begin my final week of work before surgery.  I am getting more and more anxious every day.  Today, I had a pretty massive panic attack over a seemingly very little thing.  I hate those things.  For people who have them, no explanation is needed.  For those who don't, no explanation would help.  Even seeing one won't help.  The person having the attack looks much like an overtired three year old who doesn't know whether to attack or just finally give up and go to sleep already.  I stumbled to the bathroom and took a pill.  It put me to sleep, and I have been sleepy ever since.  Thank God, though, for the pill.  And also for the knowledge of what a panic attack is.  Knowing what is happening to you certainly shortens the duration.

Anyhow, ,due to the lack of focus brought on by the medicine, I am not able to focus well on what I need to say, so I shall instead simply say, Good Night, God Bless, and Have a great week!

Count Down - 12 Days

Everything is fine.  Everything is done.  All plans are in place. Consent paperwork is signed.  I am pre-admitted to the hospital. I have all the supplies for my completely miserable-on purpose-day before surgery by imbibing nothing but clear liquids all day and then grape flavored magnesium citrate at 5pm, followed by more liquid until midnight.  I may just set up my laptop in the bathroom after 5. 

I will be well cared for, and heavily medicated in the hospital.  I have all arrangements in place for after being discharged from the hospital. I have bought a week's worth of easy food for my husband and son to live on while I'm in the hospital, and then a week more at my Mom's house.  I have everything wrapped up at work.  I have nothing to worry about. So, why am I so anxious? 

I'll tell you why.  Because I'm scared to death something will happen to change my surgery date.  I'm worried I might get some kind of ailment in the next week that will cause me to have to wait.  I even worry that between now and then, while I'm en route someplace, that I will be involved in a car accident.  I'm worried that there will be some problem and they will have to forego the abdominoplasty part.  Crazy stuff.  I'm just worryin; somethin' terrible.

I am also worried about the reason for this whole ordeal.  The tumor, of course.  There is a tiny tiny chance that it is malignant. It is so tiny, in fact, that I try just to put the whole thing out of my mind.  I am 99% successful in that endeavor.

I am quite likely worrying about all those things because I have run out of things to do to prepare.  Getting ready is a lot easier than being ready and just waiting.  So, every day, I go over, either in my  mind, or on paper, all the things I have to do.  There ARE a few things left.  I need to buy some Gas-X.  I have to take two the morning of surgery. 

I need to buy Milk, Cereal, PopTarts.  You know, for the boys.  I need to make arrangements for Riley while Michael is with me in the hospital.  I need to pack for mom's house.  I need to get grandma's walker over to mom's so I can get around without hurting myself. I need to come up with some kind of armor for when I get home with my rambunctious son and two large dogs.  If anyone has any ideas on that subject, please share.

Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine!

Countdown: Two Weeks to Go

It seems more real every day.  I am going to be a different person two weeks from today.  I am excited, hopeful, and flat out scared to death at the prospect. Tomorrow I go to the hospital for some pre-surgery testing. 

My stomach does decent sized flips every time I think about what awaits me.  If anyone needed proof that I am obsessive, this experience would serve. My mind races all the time about details.  Like, a part of me will be gone.  The part that held Riley while I carried him.  The part that, when taken, will take away any chance of having another child.  The hope was slim, because of my health, and our fear of a repeat performance of my first pregnancy, but there was always a chance, that we might be given a second child.  Two weeks from today, that chance will be erased.  It's just as well, of course, since my son is a one-man army, like the tick-tock army of oz...and he is a joy  and a mess all rolled into one.  Still, a woman wonders what might have been.

I wonder also if this discovery wasn't in God's perfect timing.  I have had symptoms for years, increasing in severity over time.  I just knew I had a stomach ulcer.  Then, no.  Not an ulcer, a tumor.  A tumor.  Wow.  Other people get stuff like that.  I was just in shock.  The initial reaction was panic.  Then sadness.  My husband, who knows me and my obsessive leanings, commanded me thusly:  "Okay.  We aren't going to sit around depressed all the time.  We are going to figure out what to do to fix it, and we are GOING to fix it, and then we are going to get on with living.  No freaking out allowed. Got it?" he says.  "Got it." I say.  And then, I freak out anyway.

But, he just keeps saying the same thing over and over.  Figure it out, fix it, and get on with living.  Interspersed with that, are many "sorry sweetie" s and "I love you" s.  Also, some fantastic back 'fixing' that helps with the awful back pain that goes along with this whole mess!  It is good to be loved.

I feel so very loved.  The help and support I have felt through this experience has overwhelmed me.  I know I am loved very much, and I can assure you that if you are taking the time to read this, the feeling is mutual. 

Beginning Countdown...

It's getting closer!  I have paid the Surgeon his fee, and now I am just working on raising money to pay everything back, and I'm counting down the days until surgery!  Today marks T minus Nineteen!

In the meantime, I have sold several CD's, and one lady even bought 10!  She said, "Christmas will be here SOON! They will be gifts for my family and co-workers!"  I was honored, and happy to comply, of course.  One CD even made its way out to California! 

I haven't talked much about health lately because frankly, it isn't an uplifting topic.  This blog is about prayer, support, and blessings.  For me, yes; but I hope also for its readers!  But, since the entire reason for this endeavor is to keep everyone updated on my progress, I will provide that information.

So.....on Health:

MY BACK HURTS!  MY STOMACH HURTS!  and...for some reason, my KNEE HURTS TOO!  I am guessing because of the incredibly wet weather and 100+% humidity, and the very real possibility that my spine is maladjusted because there is a softball trying to occupy the space allotted to actual functioning organs in its vicinity, the knee is out of alignment as well.  You just don't realize the balancing act that your body performs every moment of your life, until something tips the scale.    I invested in another ice pack this week.  Now I can have one on my back or my knee, and the other one in the freezer to switch out.  Maybe I should get one more.

I keep getting asked when I am 'due.'  I say, "I'm not.  I'm just fat, but it's okay...because I know it looks like I am, because I'm holding my belly like this.  I have a tumor which is coming out at the end of the month.  No, really.  It's okay.  I have seen me in the mirror.  I do look like I am expecting."  Would you like to buy a CD? 

No, I don't really say that last part.  But sometimes it comes up in conversation.  And sometimes people request a copy.  And always I happily get them one.  Truthfully, this experience is much like being pregnant. My back is killing me. My stomach hurts all the time, I have to pee constantly.  I don't sleep worth a darn.  I have been dealing with it for several months.  I crave weird food. I can't get enough Chicken n Stars soup these days. I have a countdown to D-day.  I am having open abdominal surgery to remove something I have carried around with me for a long time. I have all the pain and none of the joy. 

But it's still okay.  There will be some joy.  I will lose several pounds and inches and rolls in this surgery.  This will help healing, and give me an edge I've not had in years to get my health back in my control.

An Invitation

It was an honor and a privilege to be invited as guest musician to the Calico Rock United Methodist Church last Sunday Morning.  I was able to provide accompaniment for their hymns, and special music for their Communion service.  They were so kind to me!  The pastor asked the congregation to keep me in their prayers, and told them about my situation.  There were many people who gave a little something to help me on my journey.  I was simply blown away by their generosity.  I was also able to share my CD with a few people!  I enjoyed this visit very much.  Thank you, Calico Rock UMC!  May you be as blessed as I feel!

It's not about me...it's about prayer.

I got a bit of news yesterday that knocked the wind out of me.  I was at work, and laughing and joking with some colleagues as we headed to the lunchroom.  Then I got the message.  I looked just like on TV when they get shocking news.  My knees got weak and my heart got sick. I just had to sit down.  Everything sounded muffled that wasn't right inside my head.  My vision blurred.  It was a complete shock.

The message was from my best friend of many, many years. Her daddy had passed away quietly in the night. He was not an old man.  It seems far too soon.

I am going to use this little platform of mine to spread the word that this family, who is like family to me, needs to be covered with a veil of of prayer and love.  They desperately need comfort.  They know that he is, in his daughter's words, 'sold out to Christ' and is not going to feel any pain where he is.  Meanwhile, we here on Earth have to learn to live in this world of which he is no longer a part.  But, really, those of us who are 'sold out to Christ' are not really a part of this world either, and have a very real assurance of seeing our loved ones again.

I loved this man like a daddy too.  His daughter and I have been friends since we were 13 years old.  While in college, we took turns for several months living at my parents' house and living at her parents' house.  Her mother calls us her 'Siamese twins, joined at the hip.' :) Then before each of us got married, we were roommates in our own house for three years.  Twice, we worked at the same place.  We had ups and downs, just like any family.  And we were there for each other in times of great need.  She was there during the terrifying days of Riley's big entrance into this world.  I was with her the day her baby girl was born.  This is THE time of greatest need.  Please pray for my best friend and her family.  Pray that God reminds them of His certainty during their time of uncertainty.

God Bless You All.