The Transition

From "Kimberly, You have a long road ahead" to "The Stuff of Life"

It's time to make the jump.  Now that I have traversed the arduous journey from 'the diagnosis' to 'the recovery', I have decided to move back to my original blog, and to write about more than just my health. I ask that you share my blog if you like it, maybe help get me a little exposure.

I want to write about positive and encouraging things.  If something I say seems to the contrary, I guarantee you here and now, that is is not my intent.

It seems to me, humankind has a tendency to wallow in misery and shut out love and support when it is needed most.  There is so much negativity; so much fear.  Let's face it -- loads of news about bad things happening stream into our homes moment by moment. Criminal activity, helpless victims of brutality, destitution, sickness, of both body and mind, looming threats to our physical, mental or financial well being.  I am not naive.  I know these things can't be avoided.  However, I have made the conscious choice for my part, to look for positive facets of every shard of broken glass. Reflection from so many different angles can shed light in the most unexpected places. I hope to be able to help mend a broken vessel so it doesn't have to sit in a corner, empty and useless.  I endeavor to provide encouragement, no matter how little good might come from it.  It never hurts to help, and the contrary is also true.

So, I hope you will make the jump along with me, and I hope that you enjoy what you see.  If you do, please share, and help spread encouragement.  There are plenty of other people spreading the contrary.

God Bless!

Get your Armor, and your Friends.

 

^Blackmore's Night - Village Lanterne^

Monday, I saw both of my doctors.  Everything looked good on both accounts.  I will go back to Dr. Newman on the 21st for some scar revision procedures which will be done in the clinic.  This will require only local anesthetic.  I will get to see how he does it!  I know. That makes me weird. I don't care.  I am intrigued by how resilient the human body can be. And how frail.  And how precious life is.  How special each and every one of us is.  We are like snowflakes, with fingerprints.

Details aside, I had an experience last night which was humbling, if not harrowing.  I got a tiny glimpse into the lives of those who are fighting, or supporting someone in their fight, with cancer.  My experience with this tumor and subsequent surgery was scary enough.  Having even the smallest chance of a cancer diagnosis had us all scared to death.  I can't imagine having to find the strength to walk that road. So many uncertainties.  So many odds, stacked against success.  Some already lost their battle with cancer.  The ones they leave behind still fight the war.  

The effects of cancer don't disappear with a death.  They morph into a sickness of the heart.  They tear at faith and hope.  They make those left behind have to rebuild from the ground up from what feels in the moment like a total loss.  And the amazing thing is that they can.  They do.  They heal.  Slow, but sure.  They use their experience to help others, who are trapped fast in the trenches and the throes of war.  Battle after battle.  Exhaustion and fear often nipping their heels.  Somehow they persevere. 

And then they discover that someone they know is just starting their journey.  Their immediate reaction to this news is to reach out, no matter how bad it hurts to remember.  No matter that their heart is pounding out of their chest and their hands are trembling with the memory.  The comfort they have the power to give is unmatched on this earth, though it did come with a price. 

I got to be there, listening to this interchange.  The silent supporter of this valiant heart.  They spoke, and I listened, and prayed. .  It was like watching someone literally rise above the the earth, carrying a mountain on their shoulders.  Did they do this alone?  No.  But it was a feat of extreme faith, intense compassion and empathy, and a really great God. I couldn't have found anything I would rather have done with my time, even if I wanted to.  

God Bless you all.  And no matter what your struggle, remember:

When a person’s heart is troubled
Hanging but by a single thread
Do your best to mend the stitches
Wipe the painful tears they’ve shed

Never leave a person helpless
Trapped beneath their toppled dreams
Show them hope they don’t possess
Help find peace to break them free

There is always an escape from danger
Relief from the troubles that they’ve met
Help them let go of their anger,
When they don’t have the power yet

The obstacles of life take strength
To rise above and make it through
Moving mountains is a feat
That can quickly get the best of you

And, don’t forget you’re not alone

When a mountain blocks your way

Chances are, you’ll have some help

From a wounded heart you once helped save.

 ~Kimberly Williamson, 1999

SO I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TODAY...and then the Neighborhood Caught on Fire...

...IN THE RAIN...WITH MY HANDS FULL...7 WEEKS AND ONE DAY POST OP.....

-Because I am lovely and smart and graceful? no...
-Because I felt I needed a bigger challenge? no...
-Because I wanted to feel pain evenly throughout my entire body, and not just in my abdomen? no...

-Because I was trying to be smart and keep my flats out of the rain puddles by wearing really old crocs? 

-Because I am stupid stupid stupid for wearing slick crocs in the rain?
-Because I was running around in the rain in a hurry?

...Yes! Yes! YES!


So this morning, Riley's teacher texted me. He cried each time he coughed. Said his ear hurt. Didn't say this at home less than an hour before.  No fever.  I decided to bring him some tylenol and some nasal spray.  It was pouring down rain.  I had worn my crocs and carried my flats with me so I wouldn't have to spend the day with wet feet.  I re-abandoned my flats, donned my crocs and took off the short mile drive from the office back home.  I carefully treaded up the steps and into the house, gathered the items I came to retrieve, and let the dogs out.  They came back in, and I departed.

I thought to myself: 'Okay, shoes are slick.  Be careful going down the...' and I stepped.  

Apparently I was not careful enough.  Left foot first.  I'm not sure what happened to the rest of my appendages after that.  I yelled 'Noooooooo! in slow motion, knowing all the while (.08 or so seconds) that I was in big trouble on impact.  I had no idea so many thoughts could race through your head in that short amount of time.  Are my surgical wounds healed enough to endure this?  This is going to hurt so bad.  I bet this is going to leave a nasty bruise.  I'm going to need some ice.  I bet this hurts way worse in the morning.

IMPACT.

More thoughts. It's raining. Doggone it!  I can't even lay here and suffer and stay dry.  I am going to have to change my clothes. Oh Lord. I have to go back to work.  I'm going to have to sit on this busted arse all day.  Geez I still have to go to the school!

So I scramble back up the wet, muddy stairs and into the house.  I throw myself face first onto the couch, panting and groaning.  My husband runs in from the next room to find me lying there with my fanny exposed.  He says 'oooh. that's going to make a nasty bruise.'

I change my clothes, put on tennis shoes, and head back out into the muck and the rain.  I take care of Riley, and finish my work day without further incident.

I came home from work, threw myself, again, face first into bed and slept two solid hours.  Then supper.  Then a hot bath.

Then my friend called me. I was finishing up this blog entry, and posted it.  We had just started talking about my offended fanny, when I heard a loud explosion outside. I shot from my rocker and rushed to the door. I hung up on my friend and called 911.  They already knew and had trucks en route. The house, across from the house across from me was completely engulfed in flames.  I quickly called my husband's phone, which rang behind me on his desk.  Drat. He went to the store without it.  After walking all over the neighborhood, and hanging up on my friend two or three more times, I finally settled down.  The house was lost, and I don't think anyone was home.

I discovered two things tonight.  I can run now if I need to, and running makes me tired!

A few tips:  Strive to be lovely and smart and graceful whether you are or not.  Take new challenges head on, but be careful!  Run once in a while! Never assume someone else called 911. Just call.  Your quick action could make all the difference.   And above all remember:  Even the best laid plans can be a real pain in the butt.  Take it from an expert.

Until next time, God Bless!

Back to Work: One Weak...

It's true what they say.  One week makes one weak  At least, it does when your body is struggling to heal from a major operation, and you can't shake a horrible sinus infection.

Monday was very busy, but I got a reprieve at 3 p.m. when I had to pick up my son from school.  I felt awful, but I got so much accomplished.  I came home and tried to lay down, but all I could do was fight drainage.  Overnight, my sinus infection began to sink down to  my throat, making it nearly impossible for me to sleep.  I woke up choking around 2 a.m. and took a steam shower with menthol.  My husband found the Vicks in the medicine cabinet and made me stand still while he slathered my nose, chest, and neck, which I have to say, makes him a bigger hero to me than Iron Man and all the others combined.  I drank chamomile tea with honey and lemon, and he tucked me into bed, propped almost straight up with blankets and pillows.  I slept about two hours and then had to get up and go to the couch to keep from coughing so much and waking him up again.

Tuesday was busy but not like Monday, and I got quite a bit accomplished, despite pure exhaustion.   I didn't want to go back to the doctor, but I called and he was kind enough to call me in another round of antibiotics and some awesome cough syrup.  Michael was off, and he picked up Riley from school and they came to see me at the office. We all left around 3:30.  Riley and I went to Subway to 'cook dinner' and Michael visited the pharmacy to get my medicine.  Tuesday evening was fuzzy.  I ate, I medicated, I went to bed.  I slept some better during the night, and awoke feeling some better too. 

Wednesday, work started out fine.  I couldn't take the cough syrup and stay awake at work though, and I coughed so much and so hard that I thought I would split in two.  Wednesday was also the day that the sneezing started.  The muscles in my lower abdomen, already offended and complaining, were now screaming in desperation for me to stop.  I made it all the way to 4:30 and went straight home.  Riley had church, so I ate Spaghetti-Ohs with meatballs (one of my ultimate comfort foods) for supper, medicated, and went to bed.  I got up just before Riley got home from church, fixed us a late dinner, ate it, and went back to bed.  I slept much better during the night, and woke feeling much better than the day before.  My cough had abated a bit.

Thursday I felt like I might be heading to the  upswing. Though I was coughing, it was less often and more productive, but still horribly painful.  We got some significant phone upgrades at my office Thursday.  It was very nice having the added functionality!  Thursday evening I made it to the grocery store. I came home and made awesome tacos for dinner.  I went to bed and slept all night.

Friday, work was fantastic.  I love the days when I am busy every minute. The days when every time I look at the clock, several hours have passed in what feels like a blink.  Before I knew it, the work day was over, and we were headed to Mountain Home to pay off our Home Depot bill.  We threw in a trip to Yoshi and Petco.  This is one of Riley's favorite night out combinations.  We came home and lavished our labs with luxurious treats from the pet store.  They were loving life!  I had such a good night's sleep during the night, that my poor husband didn't.  He said I was snoring.  And not just snoring, but the kind you just can't block out.  God bless him for just letting me saw down the forest, after the week I just survived.

Today we got up and went to Michael's parents house.  They were out of town for his mom's birthday, and we spent all day washing, buffing, and waxing and polishing her van as a birthday surprise.  They got back home around 5 p.m. and she was so excited about her pretty van!  We left there and headed back into town.  We 'cooked' at Subway again and then Michael and Riley went with some friends to the Rumble in the Rock truck pull.  I had a couple of hours of quiet time to myself!  I celebrated by promptly falling sound asleep.

So, tomorrow is another day.  I am on the mend, and am grateful for prayers and good thoughts for healing.  I am also grateful for antibiotics, cough syrup, naps, a fantastic relationship with my husband, a super great kiddo, two half-human doggies, and hot tea.  The only thing that would make my life better would be self-folding laundry!

Good night all! God bless! 

Back to Work: T Minus 3...2...1....Tomorrow! And then THAT hppened.

Foreword:  I began this post Sunday Night.  Before I got really sick.  Again.  I have been taking almost a steady dose of antibiotics since late August.  From whatever they gave me intravenously in the hospital, to Keflex for 7 days, to Bactrim for 7 days....to Amoxicillin for 9 days, replaced today with Keflex--again--for ten days, starting today.  I can't kill whatever it is that's trying to renovate my sinuses. So, fire up your Flux Capacitor and crank it to 88.  We have to start at the end of the countdown before we can count back up.

So it's one day shy of 6 weeks since my surgery day. I have healed considerably well. I do still have a couple of slow-healing areas across my incision, but they are closing. Internally, I am still very tender, and everything feels tight and I have some dissolvable stitches that are pulling a bit, and it burns like fire when they do. I can avoid it if I don't turn a certain way, but sometimes it just happens.

Clothing fits so differently now. I actually don't have any pair of jeans that doesn't still fit, but I have to wear them pulled up very high. They slide down constantly, and I have to hike them up. And then again. And again. I hate to buy new clothes yet, though. I have read, and have been told by my doctor that the swelling takes a really long time to go down. I have found estimates from doctors online ranging from 12 weeks all the way to two years. I plan to give it at least until Christmas, and then maybe beg my husband to take me to Branson shopping for all kinds of cool bargain clothes for my gift this year. He reads my blog, so I will know if this idea is amenable by tomorrow! I just made this idea up while writing. I bet he's really happy that he has encouraged me to write because he knows how much it helps me to cope with the stresses of life!  I love you, darling!  You pay for gas,  I'll get the rest :)

So back to work Monday. I am so excited! I am a little scared that my endurance isn't going to be adequate. I have a desk job, and that may be my saving grace. My supervisor has said that she will try to help make my transition back to the working world as comfortable as possible. I am grateful.

....AND, then it was Monday. Stay tuned for a recap of my first days back.  They were absolutely NOT as comfortable as I had hoped, but I prevailed.  I could use a prayer or two.

So, until next time:  May God bless you all!

Countdown, Back to Work.....One Week

Things are going fine in the healing department.  I'm a little slow, but we all knew that already :)  My main problem hasn't been recovering from surgery, which by the way is going to take way more than 6 weeks.  I will just have to start back to work then.  Incidentally, 6 weeks puts me back to work next Monday, the 7th.  October 7th seemed like such a far off time, 5 weeks ago.  Now it may as well be tomorrow.  Anyhow, back to my main problem.  I can't stay well!  I keep getting sinus crap!  I don't usually use words like that when I write, but let's just tell it like it is, shall we?  It's crap!  Utter crap.  I was sick the second week after surgery for a week.  I had a bit of a break and then, wham!  Upper respiratory infection of some ungodly sort.

And it was strange.  I don't know if any of you has had a cold come on and you could pinpoint the EXACT moment that the germ won the antibody battle.  For me, it was 7 p.m. on Saturday, the 21st.  We had just come home from having dinner with friends, and I felt it.  My swallow didn't feel quite 'right' you know?  Like someone tele-ported a shooter marble to the back of my sinus cavity. It was just there all of a sudden.  No gradual onset here.  And it persisted!  I fought and fought and heaped all manner of home remedy upon the ugly thing for a whole week!  With no victory in sight, and the monster making its way from my sinuses to  my throat, I surrendered. Friday morning I went to the doctor.  He made me breathe while he listened.  Not in my lungs yet.  Just in time.  He pulled out his magic pad and sent a prescription of amoxicillin to my pharmacy.  I went in, picked it up, along with some mucinex and headed home.  On the way out, I shook my finger at the pharmacists and said, "Now, you don't want to see me in here again."  Laughter erupted from behind the counter and I knew my humor was not lost on them.  Now with that knowledge and drugs, I could get some rest. ....So, Monday, I was back at the pharmacy for more drugs.  More cream for my incision that is still healing, and medicine for my darling son, but that's next week's post. :)

The antibiotics made me feel just awful.  Everything tastes like a sixteen-penny nail.  Something, I guess the antibiotics, makes me crazy tired.  I slept most of last week.  The only things I remember are trips to the bathroom and an occasional meal, the origins of which remain fuzzy.  Did I cook?  Did someone bring me this?  Hard to say, but the house didn't burn down and I still have all my fingers, so I'm calling it a win.

Have a great week everyone, and whatever you do, be awake while cooking!

God Bless you All :)

~Kimberly

How it is.

It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since my operation.  I feel better, but not best.  I don't feel better than I did before my surgery, but the stomach pain is completely gone.  Two more weeks and I head back into the world of the working.  I try to do some little thing productive each day, but I know my body, and I can do ONLY one substantial thing per day yet.  Yesterday, my husband and my son helped me clean house.  I laid down for a nap at 1:30.  At 2:00 pm, our good friends stopped by to surprise us! I was so relieved we took the time to clean up a little! It made the visit so much more enjoyable since I didn't have to fret over doggy hair, dust, dishes, or dirt. Last night, I got really sick.  Around 7 p.m. I started feeling really bad. My temp started creeping up, and I felt like someone had shoved a marble into my sinuses.  My head was throbbing.  I took lots of medicine to help, and I slept all night and most of today.  I missed church.  I have only been once since I had surgery, which was last week.  I wasn't ready then either.  I started feeling better around 5 or 6 p.m. tonight.  It is 2 a.m. now, so apparently I slept enough that I am not sleepy.  I will be working the next two weeks to get myself back into the correct day/night routine.  Maybe it will be easy.  Probably, it won't be.  I hope tomorrow to get at least one productive thing done.  Wish me luck!

So in my last post, I mentioned that our renters gave notice that they would be leaving for a bigger home.  They came today and finished cleaning up, and they did a great job.  There is some little work left to do; wash walls, shampoo carpet in one bedroom, clean air conditioner.  Just little things.  As we inspected, we decided that we don't want to re-rent the place.  At least not for a while.  We want our house to be just our house for a while.  We looked at the finances, and the pros and cons of both options.  Michael convinced me easily.  With my increase in pay at work and with the money we will save on the energy and water costs of running two households, we will be able to pay the house payment ourselves.  I will get to have my music room again!  We will continue mainly living upstairs, but again be able to have a guest bedroom and a living area where we can entertain our friends who have allergies to our pets.  I may go back to using the bigger kitchen as well.  We will get to go back to having plenty of storage for all our stuff.  I just have to remember not to get too much more stuff!

My few dreams for the place will have to come about slowly, due to my healing.  But I like to go over the dreams and see the end result in my head.  There's no weight limit on lifting when you dream!  One of the dreams is a bit pragmatic, but it is going to be super cool if we can get it done.  I want a spiral staircase.  We removed the old staircase when we divided the house to rent the lower level.  Now there is no way to get up and down from inside the house.  I priced them.  They aren't cheap.  It costs around $2,000 for a kit.  I am hoping that maybe building our own will be possible.  If not, I did find one very small, that is to say narrow kit for $610.  Whether or not this is possible remains to be seen, but it is at the upper tier of my dream list!!

I was supposed to take Riley to Children's hospital for three appointments tomorrow.  ENT, Audiology, and Vision.  I'm not physically ready to make that trip.  My car is not physically ready either.  I think I may reschedule for some time after the first of the year so that I can spend the rest of this one doing a really good job of healing.

I have started writing some on my other blog.  I hope you like this one, and if you like exposition, poetry, and humor, that is what I am shooting for there.  http://itsjustusinhere.blogspot.com/ is the link.  This blog will continue as well, at least for now.  It may be that I change its focus over time to my music.  What do you think?  Let me know!

God bless you in all that you endeavor to do!

Follow Up

Yesterday was super hard. The trouble with having two surgeons is having two follow-up appointments in one day.  Today was the maiden voyage to Mountain Home driving myself.  I was reassured that the tumor that was found was benign, and I do not have to worry about cancer!  Praise the Lord!  I am healing well, and though I do have a couple of open areas in my incision, the doctor says he's not worried, there is no infection, and I am on the mend.  I just have to take my time and rest.  I can finally stand up straight this morning, which feels nice.  Yesterday I felt miserable.  I ran out of pain medicine over the weekend, and ibuprofen wasn't quite doing the trick.  I got those refilled yesterday, and I slept like a rock last night.  I woke this morning feeling refreshed, and better than I have felt in several days!  My sinus infection has abated, my antibiotics are all done (hopefully for good), and I'm looking forward to a nice, quiet day at home.

Thankfully, yesterday was fairly temperate, and I didn't have to run my air conditioning.  My car has a problem.  One of my seals is leaking oil all over the belt and one side of the motor.  It seems worse when it's really hot and the air is running, so it was actually good that I haven't driven it much since the first of August.  We've been getting by with just my husband's car.  It's fine, but it's not my car, to be sure.  I love my car.  I miss my car.  My husband has been so busy taking care of Riley and taking up the slack at work since his mother is gone to North Dakota taking care of her mother who is ill and has had to go to a nursing home, that he hasn't had any spare time to fix it.  Hopefully now that I'm on the mend and can help a little with Riley--that is to say I can try entertaining him--and it's a little cooler out, he will have time to fix it, again.  He had to replace the same seal earlier in the summer, and evidently we got a bad part.  Lucky us.

A few days ago, our renters gave notice that they would be moving out to a bigger home.  Their rent pays our house payment.  So, readers, please say a quick prayer that we are able to get someone else in there pretty quickly.  The rental is the bottom half of our home.  It is two bedroom, one bath with a large kitchen and utility room and a comfortable living area.  Rent is $450 and another $50 per month for propane.  Water, Trash and Electricity are included in the $450.  Excessive use of propane or electricity could result in an increase in the amount due over $450, but if one is reasonably conservative it will work out perfectly at $50.  It is a nice space, and the kitchen has a dishwasher, fridge, gas cook stove and microwave included.  Heating and cooling is electric/propane.  Cooking, water heater and dryer are gas, and the dryer is provided.  Deposit is $200.  The rental is Non-smoking and No pets.  Share this information with anyone who might be looking for a place to live.  We could use the income, and would love to have someone in there that was a good fit.

So far, renting has been mostly a positive experience.  And certainly it has been a blessing to have enough room to be able to do this and stay in our home, even with limited income.  We live upstairs, where we have two bedrooms, one bath, laundry facilities, a small kitchen and a comfortable living area.  It is decent sized, even if it is only half our house.  We were very lucky to find this place nine years ago.  Nine Years Ago!?!?!  My how the time slips past.  I am amazed.  Well, I believe with that notion swimming around in my head, I will sign off for today.  God Bless you all, and may your day be filled with all things peaceful and positive!

Perchance to....

A few more days have passed, and I have felt better after each one.  I have more strength each day, and I am able to get around and conservatively do whatever I need for myself.  I even sat on a stool and cooked some taco meat last night to go with the chips and taco dip that my supervisor from work brought us.  Thank you, Julie!

I am fighting the beginning stages of a sinus infection.  Fantastic, right?  I am already on antibiotics to help in my healing process and to prevent any infection from setting in there.  It should help to make this bout of sinus trouble relatively short.  At least that's what I am praying for.

....After a day's break...

I was sidelined by a good night's sleep which started directly in the middle of my composition of this post, and not on purpose.  My goodness, healing from major surgery + pain medication makes for strange sleeping patterns.  On that note, today I had a bit of trouble with a section of my incision.  I will not disgust anyone with those details, but it was worrisome enough that I called my Doctor.  He said that it was nothing to worry about.  Well, okay.  I'll try.  But it is so very, very hard.  I had a really hard time healing when I had my reduction last November on one side, and I don't want a repeat of that, though it looks as if I'm going to have it.  I guess I shouldn't complain.  At least it is just a small area, instead of the entire length of the incision.  That is, 18 inches or so.

So, I learned today that I must slow down even more than I already have. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm game.  Sleeping and laying around all day gives me a headache.  I can't sleep on my back right now because of the sinus stuff. I can only sleep on my sides for short bursts before it becomes too painful.  Perhaps someone could teach me how to levitate all bundled up and cozy?  Anyone?  No?  Well,  I didn't expect there to be, but a girl can dream....if she could ever stay asleep.

Actually, it's funny.  I am dreaming, a lot actually.  Weird dreams.  They are so weird in fact, that I can't finish a good description of one.  Some of them are just goofy.  Some are really freaky.  Some are continuations of previous subjects my sub-conscious mind has chosen to dwell upon during my restless slumber.  they all share one thread, that all of the dreams defy explanation, and are vivid in the moment, but too fuzzy to recollect upon waking.

I'm tired.  I am tired of sleeping.  I'm tired of being sleepy, but not being able to sleep.  Perhaps  I should just be happy.  At least I am still waking up. :)

One Week Post Op

It has been a very interesting week.  I was out of surgery by evening Monday, one week ago.  I do not like epidurals. I hardly even used my pain button.  By Tuesday, I was begging to have it removed. One of my legs felt completely paralyzed.  Upside, I couldn't feel the pain in my abdomen.  Downside, the pain in my back and arms and shoulder and neck were miserable, because I was trying to use my upper body to move to a more comfortable position; one which I was never able to find.  They finally discovered that they weren't going to talk me out of getting the epidural out.  Once it was removed and the medicine wore off, I was in significantly more pain than before.  But at least I could move.  They were able to manage my pain fairly effectively with Hydrocodone (by mouth) and Tordol (by IV).  They talked about sending me home on Wednesday.  I told the doctors I was nowhere near ready to go.  Wednesday morning I saw the nurse practitioner, who agreed with my assessment of my condition.  One more day.  I had a great nurse for the day shift that day.  Not so great thru the night.  I was really glad when 7 a.m. Thursday morning rolled around.  By Thursday noon, I was headed to Mom's house, which is where I still am until this Thursday.  I get better and better every day.  I have lost over 10 pounds of water weight in 4 days, and still going down.  The swelling is better each day, as is the level of my pain.  One thing though, my back is killing me, and my rear-end keeps falling asleep.  I guess it doesn't like to be constantly sat upon.

I try to get up and walk, stretch and keep my muscles moving.  I cannot stand up straight.  I have figured out how to sleep on my side, very carefully, and that has been a great relief to my back. I have been trying to write this post since last Thursday.  Please take note:  it is very difficult to concentrate and organize your thoughts when pain medicine courses through your veins.  My eyelids are terribly heavy....

...In case you were wondering, a thirty minute nap just occurred between this sentence and the last.  I feel a bit refreshed.  Perhaps I will be able to bring this post to a close with some sense as to what thought I was trying to convey.  Perhaps.

It is a funny thing, recovering from surgery.  You have a lot of time to think.  In many cases, that is good.  In others, it poses a challenge: Coping with what you have contemplated during that time you had to think.  I think about the healing process itself.  I pray that I don't have any complications in my 18" incision, my two drains, or my new belly button.  I pray that there is no problem with my internal incision.  I try to wrap my head around the fact that a large portion of my body has been removed.  Not my skin or my bellly.  My uterus.  Gone. Forever. The possibility of having more children, gone with it. What I am as a woman has been drastically altered.  It really shouldn't matter.  But it does.  Even if you are just meant to mourn the loss a little while and move on, it matters.  It is necessary, I think, to process those thoughts and not dismiss them, or hold them in.  Shed a tear for your body and its change.  Then, embrace the change and be the best woman you can possibly be.

COUNTDOWN: 2 DAYS

As I sit here, sipping my midnight snack of beef broth, watching my 'old standby' television series, Charmed, and write perhaps my last pre-op post, I am so overwhelmed with thoughts that even if I could recount them all to you, you wouldn't gain an inch by hearing them.  Some of the thoughts are random.  Some irrational.  Some sad.  Some deeply happy.  Some afraid. Still others, rediculous.

The common denominator is that once I go to sleep Monday, my future is fully in the hands of others.  I think the worst thing, is that I have to give up the control I pretend to have.  My whole idea of what is stable and real is shaking underneath my feet.  Why do I let my imagination run so wild? 

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that even when I'm not in control, God is.  When things fall apart, They can come back together.  He can put them back.  He can set things right.

God, give me peace.  Stabilize my thoughts.  Clear my mind.  Let me rest.  You will get the credit you deserve, I can assure you.  i know I can't do any of that on my own right now.

Countdown: FOUR.....

Today was a good news day.  I woke up and got Riley to school on time, and went to work.  I called my Surgeon's office and made certain that I could have surgery even with poison ivy, and it was OKAY to go to my regular doctor and receive an injection of cortisone-AKA hyper-adult-isone-in my fanny.  My Lord in Heaven above, that stuff stings.  All I could say to the nurse, was "Thanks a lot."  I meant it kindly, but really, how do you thank someone cheerfully for sticking a needle in your backside?  We both laughed and I hobbled up to the cashier to then PAY for the medicine I carried out of the clinic in my rear end.  It was a matter of minutes before the shot began to work, though, and I am feeling much better, and much relieved that there will be no hang-up for surgery day from this ordeal.

Work is wrapping up nicely.  I have finished a HUGE transcription project from a 2.5 hour meeting of ten or so people, sometimes all talking at the same time.  Took me almost three full days of working as I was able to get all 4559 words transcribed.  Yay me!  And, now I'm typing again, because I WANT to.  I think I could do with some brain surgery, too, while I'm under.

But it's okay.  I'll make do with the brain God gave me, however convoluted its pathways may be.

I have tonight at home with my family, and with two broken computers to keep me busy.  I will try to get them fixed tonight.  I told both people that I would either have it done tonight, or I wouldn't get it done.  So, wish me luck!  Or, I guess, wish them luck. :)

Tomorrow night I get to go hang out with my bestest friend Lindsay Gayler!  We are going to play music for a going away party for some of her family.  I can't wait to eat BBQ until I can't breathe, and then try to play the guitar and sing real loud!  Bring it! 

Saturday, I don't have the slightest idea what I'll do, but I can assure you that I will be nowhere NEAR the out-of-doors and the evils of ivy.  Next post, I'll fill you in :)

Sunday, still dreading.  Liquids only and a Grape-Flavored Magnesium Citrate Cocktail at 5 p.m.

I think I'll gulp it from a wine glass, just so I'll feel sophisticated.

And then....well....I'll spare you the details.  There is a good friend of mine who can finish the and then phrase....with something her daughter said in a game once upon a time.  Inside joke, but I KNOW she reads this, and I KNOW she'll get it!  AND SHE BETTER TEXT ME WHEN SHE DOES! :)

Have super fun this weekend all, and God Bless You All!

Countdown: 5 DAYS!

Well, 5 days tomorrow, actually, but I guess I am counting the days until I have to start the bowel prep.  Yeah, not looking forward to that. 

In the meantime...yes.  I DO have poison ivy all over my face.  I am trying desperately to get it to dry up before surgery.  I would be devastated if they say I have to postpone surgery again.  I have scrubbed and washed, and washed and scrubbed.  Alcohol, bleach (ouch!), baking powder, salt (ouch! but works!) oatmeal bath, oatmeal masque, hydrocortisone cream, benadryl cream with zinc, everything I can think of to dry my skin.

 I have done all kinds of research on the subject in the last two days.  I did learn that the rash isn't contagious to others, and the rash isn't spread by scratching, not exactly.  It can be spread that way if you still have the oil from the plant under your fingernails.  I clipped my nails all the way down and scrubbed under them.  I have scrubbed my face incessantly, and the rash hasn't spread. It is good to break the blisters and get the drying agents down into them, as long as you keep everything clean and don't just scratch randomly.  It is drying up really fast.  I'm praying I can beat the clock.

I should be careful what I ask for.  I was all worried because I had run out of ways to prepare for Monday, and I was going to have to just wait.  Now I can scrub my face off for the next 5 days while I while away the hours.

Countdown: One Week Left!

It has been a pretty good weekend.  Michael and I managed to get the yard mowed, between the two of us.  He did the really hard stuff, and I did some easy stuff that was really hard for me.  But, it was so worth it.  Our yard looks lovely, and it will still look good when I get home from my time away.  The laundry is all done, and the dishes, too.  There will be comfort in my home while I am away from it.  My boys will be taken care of.

In other news, I think I have poison Ivy on my face. I am praying that it doesn't mess up my surgery day.

Tomorrow, Riley goes to the Second Grade.  He is excited, and so am I!  I can't believe he is 8 years old.  I will drop him off at school tomorrow, and begin my final week of work before surgery.  I am getting more and more anxious every day.  Today, I had a pretty massive panic attack over a seemingly very little thing.  I hate those things.  For people who have them, no explanation is needed.  For those who don't, no explanation would help.  Even seeing one won't help.  The person having the attack looks much like an overtired three year old who doesn't know whether to attack or just finally give up and go to sleep already.  I stumbled to the bathroom and took a pill.  It put me to sleep, and I have been sleepy ever since.  Thank God, though, for the pill.  And also for the knowledge of what a panic attack is.  Knowing what is happening to you certainly shortens the duration.

Anyhow, ,due to the lack of focus brought on by the medicine, I am not able to focus well on what I need to say, so I shall instead simply say, Good Night, God Bless, and Have a great week!

Count Down - 12 Days

Everything is fine.  Everything is done.  All plans are in place. Consent paperwork is signed.  I am pre-admitted to the hospital. I have all the supplies for my completely miserable-on purpose-day before surgery by imbibing nothing but clear liquids all day and then grape flavored magnesium citrate at 5pm, followed by more liquid until midnight.  I may just set up my laptop in the bathroom after 5. 

I will be well cared for, and heavily medicated in the hospital.  I have all arrangements in place for after being discharged from the hospital. I have bought a week's worth of easy food for my husband and son to live on while I'm in the hospital, and then a week more at my Mom's house.  I have everything wrapped up at work.  I have nothing to worry about. So, why am I so anxious? 

I'll tell you why.  Because I'm scared to death something will happen to change my surgery date.  I'm worried I might get some kind of ailment in the next week that will cause me to have to wait.  I even worry that between now and then, while I'm en route someplace, that I will be involved in a car accident.  I'm worried that there will be some problem and they will have to forego the abdominoplasty part.  Crazy stuff.  I'm just worryin; somethin' terrible.

I am also worried about the reason for this whole ordeal.  The tumor, of course.  There is a tiny tiny chance that it is malignant. It is so tiny, in fact, that I try just to put the whole thing out of my mind.  I am 99% successful in that endeavor.

I am quite likely worrying about all those things because I have run out of things to do to prepare.  Getting ready is a lot easier than being ready and just waiting.  So, every day, I go over, either in my  mind, or on paper, all the things I have to do.  There ARE a few things left.  I need to buy some Gas-X.  I have to take two the morning of surgery. 

I need to buy Milk, Cereal, PopTarts.  You know, for the boys.  I need to make arrangements for Riley while Michael is with me in the hospital.  I need to pack for mom's house.  I need to get grandma's walker over to mom's so I can get around without hurting myself. I need to come up with some kind of armor for when I get home with my rambunctious son and two large dogs.  If anyone has any ideas on that subject, please share.

Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine!

Countdown: Two Weeks to Go

It seems more real every day.  I am going to be a different person two weeks from today.  I am excited, hopeful, and flat out scared to death at the prospect. Tomorrow I go to the hospital for some pre-surgery testing. 

My stomach does decent sized flips every time I think about what awaits me.  If anyone needed proof that I am obsessive, this experience would serve. My mind races all the time about details.  Like, a part of me will be gone.  The part that held Riley while I carried him.  The part that, when taken, will take away any chance of having another child.  The hope was slim, because of my health, and our fear of a repeat performance of my first pregnancy, but there was always a chance, that we might be given a second child.  Two weeks from today, that chance will be erased.  It's just as well, of course, since my son is a one-man army, like the tick-tock army of oz...and he is a joy  and a mess all rolled into one.  Still, a woman wonders what might have been.

I wonder also if this discovery wasn't in God's perfect timing.  I have had symptoms for years, increasing in severity over time.  I just knew I had a stomach ulcer.  Then, no.  Not an ulcer, a tumor.  A tumor.  Wow.  Other people get stuff like that.  I was just in shock.  The initial reaction was panic.  Then sadness.  My husband, who knows me and my obsessive leanings, commanded me thusly:  "Okay.  We aren't going to sit around depressed all the time.  We are going to figure out what to do to fix it, and we are GOING to fix it, and then we are going to get on with living.  No freaking out allowed. Got it?" he says.  "Got it." I say.  And then, I freak out anyway.

But, he just keeps saying the same thing over and over.  Figure it out, fix it, and get on with living.  Interspersed with that, are many "sorry sweetie" s and "I love you" s.  Also, some fantastic back 'fixing' that helps with the awful back pain that goes along with this whole mess!  It is good to be loved.

I feel so very loved.  The help and support I have felt through this experience has overwhelmed me.  I know I am loved very much, and I can assure you that if you are taking the time to read this, the feeling is mutual. 

Beginning Countdown...

It's getting closer!  I have paid the Surgeon his fee, and now I am just working on raising money to pay everything back, and I'm counting down the days until surgery!  Today marks T minus Nineteen!

In the meantime, I have sold several CD's, and one lady even bought 10!  She said, "Christmas will be here SOON! They will be gifts for my family and co-workers!"  I was honored, and happy to comply, of course.  One CD even made its way out to California! 

I haven't talked much about health lately because frankly, it isn't an uplifting topic.  This blog is about prayer, support, and blessings.  For me, yes; but I hope also for its readers!  But, since the entire reason for this endeavor is to keep everyone updated on my progress, I will provide that information.

So.....on Health:

MY BACK HURTS!  MY STOMACH HURTS!  and...for some reason, my KNEE HURTS TOO!  I am guessing because of the incredibly wet weather and 100+% humidity, and the very real possibility that my spine is maladjusted because there is a softball trying to occupy the space allotted to actual functioning organs in its vicinity, the knee is out of alignment as well.  You just don't realize the balancing act that your body performs every moment of your life, until something tips the scale.    I invested in another ice pack this week.  Now I can have one on my back or my knee, and the other one in the freezer to switch out.  Maybe I should get one more.

I keep getting asked when I am 'due.'  I say, "I'm not.  I'm just fat, but it's okay...because I know it looks like I am, because I'm holding my belly like this.  I have a tumor which is coming out at the end of the month.  No, really.  It's okay.  I have seen me in the mirror.  I do look like I am expecting."  Would you like to buy a CD? 

No, I don't really say that last part.  But sometimes it comes up in conversation.  And sometimes people request a copy.  And always I happily get them one.  Truthfully, this experience is much like being pregnant. My back is killing me. My stomach hurts all the time, I have to pee constantly.  I don't sleep worth a darn.  I have been dealing with it for several months.  I crave weird food. I can't get enough Chicken n Stars soup these days. I have a countdown to D-day.  I am having open abdominal surgery to remove something I have carried around with me for a long time. I have all the pain and none of the joy. 

But it's still okay.  There will be some joy.  I will lose several pounds and inches and rolls in this surgery.  This will help healing, and give me an edge I've not had in years to get my health back in my control.

An Invitation

It was an honor and a privilege to be invited as guest musician to the Calico Rock United Methodist Church last Sunday Morning.  I was able to provide accompaniment for their hymns, and special music for their Communion service.  They were so kind to me!  The pastor asked the congregation to keep me in their prayers, and told them about my situation.  There were many people who gave a little something to help me on my journey.  I was simply blown away by their generosity.  I was also able to share my CD with a few people!  I enjoyed this visit very much.  Thank you, Calico Rock UMC!  May you be as blessed as I feel!

It's not about me...it's about prayer.

I got a bit of news yesterday that knocked the wind out of me.  I was at work, and laughing and joking with some colleagues as we headed to the lunchroom.  Then I got the message.  I looked just like on TV when they get shocking news.  My knees got weak and my heart got sick. I just had to sit down.  Everything sounded muffled that wasn't right inside my head.  My vision blurred.  It was a complete shock.

The message was from my best friend of many, many years. Her daddy had passed away quietly in the night. He was not an old man.  It seems far too soon.

I am going to use this little platform of mine to spread the word that this family, who is like family to me, needs to be covered with a veil of of prayer and love.  They desperately need comfort.  They know that he is, in his daughter's words, 'sold out to Christ' and is not going to feel any pain where he is.  Meanwhile, we here on Earth have to learn to live in this world of which he is no longer a part.  But, really, those of us who are 'sold out to Christ' are not really a part of this world either, and have a very real assurance of seeing our loved ones again.

I loved this man like a daddy too.  His daughter and I have been friends since we were 13 years old.  While in college, we took turns for several months living at my parents' house and living at her parents' house.  Her mother calls us her 'Siamese twins, joined at the hip.' :) Then before each of us got married, we were roommates in our own house for three years.  Twice, we worked at the same place.  We had ups and downs, just like any family.  And we were there for each other in times of great need.  She was there during the terrifying days of Riley's big entrance into this world.  I was with her the day her baby girl was born.  This is THE time of greatest need.  Please pray for my best friend and her family.  Pray that God reminds them of His certainty during their time of uncertainty.

God Bless You All.

Consider it Joy

Well, today is a good day, no matter what bad things happen.  My poor husband woke up late, tripped in the hallway and hit so hard when he fell that put a hole in the wall, and stubbed his toe so badly that he thinks it is broken.  That is most certainly not a good way to start the day.  But, I hope I can convince him to consider it joy. (James 1:2)  Speaking of Considering Joy when facing trials:  My CD is done!  It is not perfect.  It is a homegrown work.  But, it is me.  And it is what I love.  And I want to share it with all of you.  I have 16 recordings.  Three of them I wrote myself.  Almost all of them are me on instrumentals.  There are a few that aren't.  Here is the list:

~CONSIDER IT JOY~ an Album by Kimberly Williamson

Track 1:  Halleluia - Vocals: Kimberly Williamson and Lindsay Gayler; Guitar: Kimberly Williamson

Track 2:  Amazing Grace, Instrumental - Piano by Kimberly Williamson

Track 3:  Imagine, in the style of Eva Cassidy - Vocals: Kimberly Williamson; Accompaniment background track from the web.

Track 4:  Celtic Harp Melody - Celtic Harp played by Kimberly Williamson

Track 5:  Songbird, in the style of Eva Cassidy - Vocals:  Kimberly Williamson; Accompaniment background track from the web.

Track 6:  The Old Rugged Cross, Instrumental -Me on Piano

Track 7:  Where the Roses Never Fade, Acapella - Three part harmony by Kimberly

Track 8:  Wings as Eagles - Written and performed by Kimberly

Track 9:  Consider it Joy - Written and performed by Kimberly

Track 10:  Call on Me, Instrumental - Written and performed by Kimberly

Track 11:  As Long - Written and performed by Kimberly

Track 12:  Halleluia, Acapella - Three part Harmony by Kimberly

Track 13:  Beulah Land, Acapella - Three part harmony by Kimberly

Track 14:  Amazing Grace, Acapella - Three part harmony by Kimberly

Track 15:  Danny Boy in the style of Eva Cassidy - Vocals:  Kimberly; Accompaniment background track from the web

Track 16:  When I Survey the Wondrous Cross - Three part harmony by Kimberly Williamson

If you would like a CD (all proceeds will go toward paying off surgery costs)  I have them for sale for a donation of at least $10.00.  There will be a place on the page where you can place an order.  Thanks everyone for your support, prayers and encouragement, as always.  I have come far this summer toward my goal.  Now I just have to wait for surgery day, and get about the business of healing.

God Bless you All!

Wait on the Lord.

Yesterday afternoon, my friend reminded me to wait on the Lord and Consider it Joy to face your trials, because it means there is ample opportunity to see God work.  Thirty minutes later, I got a phone call.

My goodness, how fast things can turn around!  I have been given the gift of a loan from some very close family.  The immediate need to raise $2400.00 has been met!  My up-front payment to the plastic surgeon will be covered in plenty of time for surgery, so I will be able to have far more successful a time healing from the two operations simultaneously.  I still have to raise and save as much as I can to pay off these two loans, but now that the time constraint is lifted, I can focus on my health and family until surgery on August 26th. 

I can also focus on making my CD the best that it can be.  I have several songs already recorded, but plan to record a few more, including three or so that I have written myself.  My hope is that my music will suffice as a deep thank-you to those of you who have contributed, or who plan to do so.  I will probably ask for a donation of $10 for each CD, but everyone who sends or plans to send any amount will get a CD.  I wish there was more I could give.  I don't know how I can ever thank all the people that are praying for me, supporting my efforts, and encouraging me through this very scary time. 

On health: Everything is pretty okay at the moment.  I do have constant low back pain and a lot of abdominal pain.  I assume it is from the tumor taking up so much room in there.  Thankfully, though, I can play through it so far.  My main goals from now up until surgery are to:

~Enjoy Riley's Birthday Festivities
~Get prepared for time off at work
~Get prepared physically and mentally for surgery
~Get Riley back into school
~Enjoy the rest of my summer!

On Music:  If you want to see examples of my music, you can visit my facebook musician's page at http://facebook.com/KimberlinaBrook, or my youtube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/mkrwilliamson/videos.  I hope to have the CD ready soon.  It won't be a high-quality studio mix, but it will be all original, all me, and all from the bottom of my heart.

God Bless You All!

It's the weekend again...

It has been a weekend of waiting.  I guess maybe I worry too much.  I just keep thinking of how hard it is going to be to get all this money together.  My official deadline to have the procedure paid in full is no later than August 12th.  That means I have about $2545 dollars to go.  I have received generous donations in the amount of $150 dollars so far. I am so grateful.  But I'm also a little afraid that I'm not going to make my deadline. 

Time sneaks past so fast when you are preoccupied with the business of continuing to live a life in the mean-while.  Example?  My son's birthday is next Tuesday, the 31st.  If I was going to have a party for him, it would have to be THIS Saturday.  This Saturday!?  How the heck did it get here so fast!? That isn't going to happen.  It just got here way too fast.  The poor kid will have to have multiple small birthday celebrations with different parts of the family on different days. I bet he'll cope with that fine :)

Someone said something to me today that I HAVE to remember:  Don't ask God for the money that you need.  Ask God to Fund your need.  He may have some other method in mind to get you to your goal.  I am holding on to that.  My Father-in-Law preached about HOPE Sunday.  I would say that his message was timely, wouldn't you?  All I can hold on to is hope.  I have worked hard to get as far as I have gotten with this endeavor so far.  I just have to hold out hope and have faith that God will carry me the rest of the way.

My low back is pretty sore with this weekend of rain storms, and I woke up this morning with a bum knee.  I was pecking away at my hedges, trying to get them in shape before I have surgery, and apparently when I tripped over a limb it twisted, but my brain didn't get the memo until 4 o'clock this morning.  Thank God for the rain!  I don't care that I'm a human barometer, as long as my rose bushes get a long awaited drink!

Have a blessed day! 

Just keep on...

...keepin' on.

The surgeon's office called me this morning with the official date for my surgery.  I go in for pre-surgery testing on the 19th of August.  Surgery is now scheduled for the 26th of August, 11:00 a.m.

~The cost of the Non-Covered part of my surgery~

Bright side?  Riley will be back in school by then.  The 19th is actually the first day of school.

Second Grade.  It doesn't seem possible that my son will be 8 years old at the end of this month.  Other good things?  I have over a month to try to raise the $2400 more dollars I have to have up front.  I can continue to raise money after the surgery to pay off my loan, but there won't be any surgery if I don't pay in full for that portion of the surgery first. I am hoping to try and have a yard sale, and  bring in a little money that way. I am also hoping to  get my CD finished up so that I can get it on here for sale.  I expect I will price it at $10 dollars.  I will update the blog on progress with that project.  If you or anyone you know is interested in buying a CD, please let me know.

Raising money is important, but please know that the things I need first and foremost are your prayers.  God will make a way for me.  I have yet to weather any storm that He didn't still somewhere along the way.  I have to learn to let go of whatever control I think I have, because Satan can turn my control into his in the blink of an eye.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I thought about giving up.  Someone close to me said they wondered if this was God's way of telling me that I shouldn't have the surgery.  A good friend pointed out something that I had forgotten:  God blesses you if you put your trust in Him, while Satan strives to make you think that there's no hope.  Satan hates hope.  He wants to kill your hope so that you stop trusting God.  If you don't stop trusting, Satan loses, and God works.  I am holding on to that.

God bless you all!

~Kimberly~

And the Hits Just....

....keep on coming.

Today's mail brought the second and final denial of my appeal to the insurance company to pay for my procedure.  Four doctors say that I need to have this surgery along with my hysterectomy/myomectomy(removal of tumor), and apparently four doctors isn't enough.

I called my retirement fund to check the status of my emergency withdrawal check, and they told me the request had been rejected.  Why?  BECAUSE THE INSURANCE SAYS IT ISN'T MEDICALLY NECESSARY.

So, To Recap:

1.  Insurance company says that what my surgeons say is a medical necessity...isn't.
2. Retirement plan says that emergency funds aren't available for procedures not considered medically necessary.

Bottom line?  I'm now $2400.00 short of the total amount that I have to give the plastic surgeon UP FRONT in order to have my surgery.  Also, if I can't come up with the rest, I have borrowed $4800.00 against my car for nothing. 

One of my dear friends text me this:

"Just proceed as though God had already handled it!  He said if you have faith....!  I've seen it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I don't THINK that He can do it, I KNOW HE CAN and WILL!  Just hold on to your faith, pray and let God handle the details!  Romans 5:1-5!"

 My hope is under fire.  Please God help me keep my hope.  I am doing my best not to freak out.  My friends are keeping me from going crazy or giving up, and if they weren't, I would have fallen apart as soon as I got off the phone with the retirement people. 

Part of me is thinking maybe I should just give up and deal with the risks of not having the second procedure.  But then I start itemizing the risks.  I just can't give up.

Thank God for my Friends!

 This is what one of my oldest and dearest friends shared.  How blessed am I to have her in my life!

"I have known Kimberly since I was 12....that's 22 years.  She has had a really rough road concerning medical problems.  I want to share with you this blog.  Some of her friends have rallied around her and encouraged her to set up a PayPal Donation button on this blog.  The financial strain of these current medical issues has become almost too great to bear. 

Please read her story.  Please pray for her.  Pray about donating to this fund that was set up for her, not by her.  She has a beautiful spirit.  She is and always will be one of my dearest friends. 

I ask if nothing else you forward this on to your friends.  Let's be a part of something bigger than us. "

A quieter day...

It's been quiet on the news front today.  There hasn't been any news all day.  Bright side?  I had the day off with my husband!   We ran errands, paid bills, renewed car tags, and just generally spent the day together.  I even got an afternoon nap!  It was very nice to recharge my batteries.

It's back to the grind tomorrow, and hopefully I will get a call from the surgeon's office with a date for surgery.  I don't mean to complain, but I hate not having my whole plan in order.  I just can't stand loose ends.  It is so frustrating, because during all this time, I'm still having some pretty severe symptoms.

On symptoms,  I woke up this morning with quite a bit of stomach pain.  I muscled through it, and while we were in Melbourne at the revenue office, I started feeling nauseated again.  I guess it was because I needed food.  So after the revenue office, which-by the way-is in desperate need of another air conditioner at the least, a whole new building at the next to best, and, more employees at the best,
We went to Sonic to grab a bite.  I had a burger, and it didn't make my tummy better.  The nap did help!  But when I woke up, my stomach was still hurting.  I picked up Riley from the sitter's house and came home. 

I just wish they would call, so I could begin my count-down.  This will be the biggest thing to happen to me medically since my son was born by emergency c-section.  I worry more than I should, but it's because I don't want something to go wrong or to get worse between now and the surgery day, whenever that may be.

Prayers and good thoughts, and support are so deeply appreciated.  I'll probably be posting through the waiting period, and after the surgery in order to organize my thoughts, and keep my dear friends and loved-ones updated on my condition.

I am hoping I can find the time to burn some CDs of my music recordings that I can put up for sale on here.  Hopefully I will be able to contribute in some way to the amazing help and support some are starting to give financially.  If you are on that list, and you know who you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

God Bless You All.

~Kimberly Brook

So I got a call....

So I got a call this morning from my first surgeon's nurse. He isn't going to have back surgery after all! Thank goodness for him! And pretty good news for me, too!  So, now I am back to my original surgeon again.  I still don't know the exact date of surgery, but they are giving me a guess of mid-August. I am waiting for all the surgeons to jive their schedules and give me a date.  Pre-Surgery testing is still on the books for next Monday, the 22nd.

***deep breath***

I was able to get a little bit of a discount from my original quote of $6800 down to $6495, which basically equates to 10% off the hospital's portion for the non-covered part of my surgery.  I have about $2400.00 I can access in a deferred retirement fund for part of that, but had to borrow $4800 against my car for the rest.  I borrowed enough money to ensure that other out of pocket medical expenses will be covered as well.  No surprises, if I can help it. Any money I can earn, save or raise will go toward paying off that loan.

***deep breath***

I have living expenses pretty much covered for the time I will be off work, which will be for 6-8 weeks.  I have some leave time built up, and have short term disability insurance that will help me recoup some lost income.  And of course family and medical leave will protect my job with Game and Fish.

***deep breath***

I am trying to remind myself to just keep breathing.  Soon this will be a memory and I will be well, and well on my way to the healthier person I know is in here someplace.

To those of you who have encouraged me in this endeavor to keep everyone updated and ask for prayer and support, thank you for the encouragement!  When stress weighs so heavily down upon you, you just don't know where to start.  Thank you for reminding me:

***Just Keep Breathing, Kimberly...***

A Little Update

As you may have already heard, a recent CT scan has found a significant (softball) sized tumor in my pelvic area.  We aren’t sure of anything more yet. I have met with the Gynecologic Oncologist, and he says it is most likely benign, but it needs to come out—along with my uterus, and possibly my ovaries.  I go back on the 24^th to have a pelvic ultrasound, which will better determine the exact location of the tumor, and where it is attached.  I am fairly certain based on symptoms that it is not inside my uterus, which leaves outside the uterus, or on one of the ovaries.  If it is ovaries, I will be starting menopause in a month or so, because any choice of not having them removed is not up for discussion if the tumor is attached there.  Not worth the risk of ovarian cancer now or in the future.

I may yet have the opportunity during my hysterectomy to have part of my tummy removed.  The only hang-up is whether insurance will agree with 4 of my doctors that it is a medical necessity.  I am a bit stressed about this hurdle, and could use some prayers and good thoughts.  I was actually trying to have this done before the tumor was found, and was denied, and then my first appeal was denied.  I have had two different people at the insurance company tell me two different ways to get this covered.  I feel almost like I am on a game show.  If I pick the wrong one of two doors, then too bad for me.  More diligence is apparently in order.  Also, the surgeon’s insurance coordinator says that it is up to me to file the appeal.  The insurance company says that the ordering physician is required to file for the appeal.  If this is the case, I may be stuck.  I hate the thought of not being able to have this part of the surgery based solely on that type of technicality.  It just makes sense that it should be covered, and I should have both surgeries simultaneously and take care of everything including healing time and anesthesia all at once.  Whether or not it is to be so, which I pray that it is, it seems that I must be content with the outcome.  I could still have the additional procedure, but I can’t afford it on my own.  I am worried that my incision won’t heal well and I will have more pain from the weight of my large stomach pulling at the stitches and laying on top of the incision.  Not to mention that it already causes me to have rashes and exacerbates my low back pain.

Also on the 24^th, I will meet with the plastic surgeon again.  The next morning, I will again meet with the G.O. and we will start making plans for surgery.  I likely won’t be able to have my hysterectomy, etc. until sometime after the first week of July, as my supervisor is out of the office that whole week.  There are only two of us in the office, so only one of us can be gone at any given time.  Recovery time will most likely be 6 weeks.  Thankfully, I have a great job with good benefits, and I will be able to use paid leave for a large portion of my time off.  I also was smart enough to sign up for AFLAC’s short-term disability coverage last year, which will pay me 80% of my salary after the first two weeks I’m off.  It’s not the full amount, but it beats the band compared to no income at all for a month.

So as usual, there is good news and bad news.  More to the point, there is good news, and the stress of not knowing exactly what comes next.  Prayers are needed. No; coveted.

Then....Now.....Then What?

The Past

Three summers ago, I had pain in my abdomen, just below the ribs on the right side.  Tests indicated that my gallbladder was non-functional.  No stones were found, it was just sitting there not doing anything in particular.  So, I had it removed, I recovered, and still had pain, but simply attributed it to irritable bowel syndrome or something.

Two summers ago I spent in what felt like total darkness.  Starting in April, I saw a neurologist who said that my horrific headaches were likely from intracranial pressure.  A spinal-tap later, I was in misery.  I tried pain medicine, migraine medicine that made me very sick, and very stupid.  I got lost on ‘back of the hand blindfolded’ roads.  I called people by the wrong name.  I took one medicine which made me very sick; the warning label should have stated something like:  ‘may cause what feels like a massive heart attack.’  I wore sunglasses indoors and earned the nickname ‘hollywood’ at work. 

Finally around November of that year, I went to see a pain specialist, and she suggested cervical branch block.  It’s a fancy term for burning all the irritated nerves in the neck.  For three months I went through the regimen of short acting test injections, then long acting, and finally the permanent burning of the nerves, one side at a time.  Totaling 24 injections in all.  I now only get headaches when I make my monthly turn of the ‘wheel of fortune’.  Such a relief!

That following spring, I got all healed from my headaches, and my back went out.  I missed a week of work.  MRI scans showed degenerative disk disease in my lowest vertebrae.  Treatment?  Lose weight.  I was then at 275 pounds.  Much of the weight I gained stemmed from being completely sedentary the year before.  I recovered from my back pain eventually, and last summer, decided to take back my life from the clutches of despair.  So I got last summer off from health problems.  Praise God for a great gift! 

At the end of the summer, I saw a plastic surgeon to discuss my huge (insert whatever synonym you like for breasts here).  I started one of the most rewarding journeys of my life.  I started walking, even did a 5 mile hike!  I began losing weight.  On November 9^th, after some preparation, I had a breast reduction.  I went from a 44G to a 42D.  They removed 6.5 pounds of breast tissue. I have never felt as good in my adult life.  Such a relief.  I continued walking and exercising, and my eating habits were steadily improving.  Since my back went out at 275, I have lost 33 pounds, putting me at 242, and still dropping.

The Present

Now it is summer again.  I still have pain in about the same place in my abdomen just under my right ribs as I had before I had my gallbladder removed, but it is livable, and I enjoy my time feeling better and getting healthier.   

But, as they say, good things are appreciated more when they are interspersed with some adversity.

 

Over the last few months, I have had some bouts of severe pain in that same area.  I have lots of pressure in my abdomen.  If I lay on my stomach, or while playing with my son (hands and knees), I get a surprise attack of some pretty severe pain.  It passes, but it is miserable.  Also, I have to play contortionist to get in a successful position to do bathroom business of either kind.  Also, I feel like I'm in there every 5 minutes.  I feel full after only a bite of food.  My stomach growls all the time, and I have gnawing pain in my gut, like I’m constantly hungry, even though I haven’t much of an appetite. And Oh! The Belching! The periodic womanly symptoms are increasing in intensity. 

I figured I might have an ulcer, which would have explained the pain in my belly.  Last week I had an upper endoscopy, where I had to swallow a camera so the doctor could look around.  He said that he didn’t see anything in my GI tract that would be causing my pain, and he wanted me to have a CT scan the next morning.  After the testing, and a painful sleepless weekend, I received my results.  My appointment was yesterday.  The doctor walks into the room and looks at me in that tone of voice you know means they found something, and that whatever it is-is not good. 

“You have a mass way down deep in your abdomen, in your reproductive area, and it is about the size of a grapefruit; 4.5 inches across.  We don’t know what it is for sure, only that it is there.  I want you to see a Gynecologic Oncologist in Mountain Home that can talk about cancer testing, and if you are done having kids, more than likely a total hysterectomy.  Your appointment is at 9:30 Monday morning.”

The Future

I don’t know what the future holds, exactly.  I do know that I most likely have major surgery in my future.  I will keep everyone posted as I find out what comes next.  A friend reminded me to take one problem at a time, and not let myself get overwhelmed with the ‘what if’s’…

So, I put it to you:  Please say some prayers for me.  I can use all the strength, good thoughts, and healing energy that I can absorb.

Bless you all for being my friends.  I am grateful for each of you.