A look back:

This is what I was going to say yesterday, before my appointment.  

    (PARAGRAPH ONE) I am so VERY afraid. I don't even know what, exactly, I am afraid of.  It could be that I am terrified that I have cancer.  It could be that I am in excruciating pain unless I have taken a strong pain pill and in barely bearable pain then. It could be that I cannot breathe like I should be able to.  It could be that I cannot go 10 steps without gasping for breath. I can barely eat. I can't sleep most nights, and then, not without medicine to help.  I imagine that how I feel is most closely relate-able to Miss Violet Beauregard, (lucky winner of a golden ticket from Mister Willy Wonka!) After she took the three-course chewing gum despite  urging that she not do so, from the man himself, and turned into a blueberry.  It could be that I am going through all of this and people around me are having to lay aside their own lives to help me.  By the way:  To those of you who have already done this, From the bottom of my heart, thank you.      fin.

This is what happened in my appointment.

     The Oncologist has not been sent ANY of my images. I am devastated, and no closer to answers.  I am in pain, angry, and stressed past my maximum.

This is what happened after my appointment.

     I hustle.  With the help of some awesome friends, we got the discs from Calico Rock to my doctor in Fayetteville by the next morning.  Now we had to get the discs from Mountain Home.  They wouldn't send them.  They wouldn't let my husband pick them up.  I had done all I could do.  I was spent.  I updated everyone I had to update and laid down and instantly fell asleep.  I missed dinner.  I hate when that happens.

This is what happened today.

     My best friend drove me to Mountain home to retrieve my images from the Mountain Home hospital.  We made it as far as Flippin before I got a call from my nurse at Fayetteville.  They had received the images, radiology had read them, the Surgeon had seen them, and they know for certain that I need surgery.  They didn't even need the images from mountain home any longer.  I got them anyway.  We went on home to my house in Calico.  I changed clothes, loved on my puppy, and got to kiss my kiddo, both of whom are staying with Meba (Mee Baw) and papa, Michael's mom and dad.

This is what I know to come next, so far.

     We are back in Fayetteville, to bring Emily back home.  Michael will take me home tomorrow so that I can scramble to the best of my ability to get my ducks in a row.  Michael will drive me back on to Fayetteville on Wednesday, the 5th for my pre-op appointment.  The following Tuesday, October 11th, I will undergo an open abdominal laparotomy (from what I know so far) so that they can figure out what is in there and get it out, and let me know what happens next.

See Paragraph One.

Captain's Log...Sentimental

So I re - learned a valuable lesson today:

EVEN IF YOU ARE SURE OF WHAT YOU THINK SOMETHING IS, CHECK IT AGAIN.

This actually has nothing whatever to do with the main idea of this blog. However, it may turn out to be good advice on that subject too.  I hope.

So you may have noticed a post entitled "captain's log...Sentimental. It was an accident, but I deleted it.  So, if ever you are looking at a list, and the title of a draft and the title of a post are similar, and you think you are 100% sure you are choosing the correct one to delete, you probably aren't.

So to make a long story very short, I simply said that I'm a little scared about tomorrow, and I really just want to feel well. I talked in that post about how incredibly difficult a time I have had with my health as an adult. So, maybe this scare/whatever will be the thing that gets me on the right track. Maybe getting all of these parts out that don't work, will make the rest of the parts work better.

It also said that I really miss rearranging furniture all by myself, but I very seriously doubt that sentiment is shared by anyone who has to live with me :-)

Love, Kimberly.

It also had this PS: if you feel something is not right with your health or with your body, go to the doctor. DON'T WAIT.

Volume 2 ... Chapter Five

So, now it's Friday, one week ago today.  8:00 a.m.  Pelvic ultrasound with a full bladder.  A full bladder in an already full abdomen is..less than comfortable. They decided that imaging was not accurate enough and went with a TVUS test.  A TV ultrasound is even less than less than comfortable.  If you are reading this, and you are a guy,  I am sorry....and I am only going to say this once:  TV stands for trans-vaginal.  They go up 'in there' with a wand and take images from below instead of above.  There, that's over with.

Anyhow:  That test produced some more accurate results than any of the previous testing.  To recall, we started with an MRI for unrelated back pain and numbness in my foot. This produced results which indicated a 5 cm mass lower left abdomen.  Then a pelvic ultrasound which showed pretty much nothing detailed about the mass because there was too much shadowing.  Then a CT scan which revealed the mass doubled in size in a short two weeks' time.  Then a second CT two weeks later showed thankfully no additional growth.  Blood tests were within normal limits, but with ovarian cancer as a concern, this isn't always helpful information.

This most recent test revealed more of the true nature of the existing mass, and introduced a new one on the other side.  The one on the left is of multiple densities. (concern for cancer) It is very low and out to the left of the rest of the mass/tissue. (not necessarily tied directly to the ovary. (concern for cancer).  It is wrapped around my iliac artery(concern for cancer due to the tendency for cancer to search out an existing blood supply).

Here is a picture of this artery.  It's a big one.  Not a little tiny one.

So the surgeon says the risk that this is cancer IS great enough to send me to a Gynecologic Oncologist.  She could do the surgery and remove everything, but she cannot test and stage it if it turns out to be cancer.  An oncologist can stage during surgery. If I had the surgery here, I would have to heal and await results and then go have more surgery later to address any remaining issues. Click this link to find out how ovarian cancer is staged,

I obviously pray that this is not cancer. But I am also a realistic person, and want to be as informed as possible about my condition, care, and outlook.  If you are reading this, and you are facing the unknown, please seek knowledge, and plan for the worst while working hard to achieve the best.  I have 4 days to go before I meet my surgeon.  Meanwhile:

Pain is a terrible burden to bear, 

I know it won't kill me and though it's not fair, 

I can manage, but it takes all my energy.

I'll be grateful when pain is a memory.

Volume 2 ... Chapter Four

The surgeon called me in a refill for the pain medicine, but in my agony and stressed state, I forgot to ask for something to help with the nausea.  So after a weekend of trying to go with just the half pills, I called the nurse line again.  They recommended that I call the doctor and ask for the medicine I need, but that if that doesn't work out I can still go to the E.R. if needed and it won't cost me a copay.
So I call.  They take my information and say that the doctor on call will get back with me shortly.  I am not prepared for what happened next.  The phone rang.

Me:  "Hello?"

Dr. On Call:  "This is Doctor [OnCall]....

Me: "uh....I....uh....need to get some medication for nausea to go along with my pain medication since I am having trouble with...uh....nausea..."

Dr. On Call: "Just take half a pain pill.  Call your doctor tomorrow."

Me: "Okay."

I hang up the phone.  Michael walks into the bedroom in just enough time to see me lose all control.

You: "What the heck just happened?!"

Time for a story:

Once upon a pregnancy, 
11 years ago, 
Dr. OnCall was my Doctor. 
And many of you know

That I was very, very sick
And in a panic crying.
Dr. OnCall wasn't worried
And both of us were dying.

The doctor who delivered us
(Yes, both of us were saved)
Said if one more day he'd put me off
Would have sent us to the grave.

I cannot put into words the emotional trauma that caused me.  I have never been the same since.  So, when I heard his voice, it instantly triggered a violent emotional response.  I had a terrifying panic attack.  Once it partially subsided, I called Michael's mother and she agreed to take me to a different E.R. the next morning.  I was so afraid that Dr. OnCall would be the one to see me that I wouldn't dare go to Mountain Home.  

So, I went to the E.R. in Batesville.  They were attentive, compassionate, and by heck they were going to listen to me.  They asked if I wanted something for pain control.  I sternly said that I was not there for pain medicine.  I was there for answers.  After reassuring me that I was on the right path, they did x-rays and gave me some more information.  They prescribed something for the nausea, and did give me an injection to try and calm the nerves that were so disturbed and raw.

Tune in next post for the results of the second pelvic and TV ultrasound.

Volume 2 ... Chapter Three

Meanwhile, Back with the surgeon:

Surgeon:  "So, what's going on?"

Me: "I am in a lot of pain and have a mass lower left"

Surgeon: "Uh Huh.." (reading my history on her computer)

Me: "blah blah, blah blah blah, yadda yadda." (what the doctor hears)

Surgeon: "Uh Huh..." (looks up) "So, if you have had a cyst since 2014, why is it suddenly hurting you now?  I mean, I see that you have had several abdominal surgeries.  I can go on in there and dig around if that's what you want me to do, but if I do that, there'll be more scar tissue.  And you NEVER want to get rid of your ovaries early if you can help it. Bone loss."

Me: "WAIT.  (crying) Are you telling me I have had a tumor in there for two years and no one told me?!  I have to say, I'm blown away.  I don't believe that.  It can't be right." (still crying)

Surgeon:  "That's what it says here.  'Mass unchanged since 2014.'"

Me:  "No.  Mass unchanged since last CT.  That was 2 weeks before. not 2 years."

Surgeon: (a bit more courteous) "Let me have a look at something here.  Oh, I see.  The ER doctor messed up.  I am sorry for being so matter-of-fact.  But this is serious. let's do a pelvic exam."

Me: "It's okay." (clearly it's not.  I get ready for the exam and the doctor comes back in.  The exam is so painful that I cannot speak to answer her questions.)

Surgeon:  "I think we need to get a better idea what's in there.  Let's get you scheduled for an ultrasound [again] and do some bloodwork to look for tumor markers.  Some of your symptoms are concerning me for ovarian cancer."

The test is scheduled for TWO WEEKS later.  I am devastated, in terrible pain, and afraid.  I can't even go to the lab on foot.  Mom is pushing me in a wheelchair. (and running me into EVERYTHING) The next day the doctor's office calls to say that so far the blood tests are normal.  They have a cancellation for ONE WEEK later, so to come in for that appointment. My pain isn't my only symptom.  The rest are:

• Bloating/Abdominal heaviness
• Feeling full when eating/loss of apetite
• Constipation
• Pelvic/Hip pain
• Constant need to pee, but very little pee
• Nausea
• Low back pain
• Unintentional weight gain (20 pounds in 2 weeks)
• Unintentional weight loss (lost 10 pounds in the last three days)

Click here for information about Ovarian Cancer:  http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ovarian-cancer/basics/symptoms/con-20028096

Symptoms of Ovarian Cancer:

Signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer may include:

• Abdominal bloating or swelling
• Quickly feeling full when eating
• Weight loss
• Discomfort in the pelvis area
• Changes in bowel habits, such as constipation
• A frequent need to urinate

Stay tuned for the next chapter.

Volume 2 ... Chapter Two

Results of the CT Scan recommend surgery.  I am in a lot more pain than I have been.  NP gave me Tylenol3, which doesn't touch the pain, and makes me too sleepy to work.  I hear from the Surgeon's office, and they tell me that it will be more than 2 weeks before I can even see the Physician's Assistant. (!?!)  I am in ever-worsening pain and am starting to get scared.  I call my insurance company's 24/7 Nurse Help line.  They recommend I head to the emergency room right away.  My wonderful Mother-in-Law comes and takes me in.  It has been 2 weeks since the CT scan and I just know that this mass is bigger still.

Note:  My wonderful mother is upstairs in surgery, having been diagnosed on Tuesday of the same week with breast cancer.  She is scared.  My dad is scared for her.  Now he and the rest of the family are worrying about me, too, which really only makes me mad. [Fast forward a little bit: her cancer had not spread to the lymph nodes, and she will not have to have chemo.  She will start radiation in about three weeks or so, and is back to work, and busy taking care of other people again.]

So, back to the E.R. They do another CT scan to see if there has been any change.  There hasn't. Except my pain level is increasing. They give me something stronger for pain and send me home to wait for my appointment.  I am feeling sick to my stomach by the time I get home.  So I can only take half a pain pill.  The whole pain pill isn't helping much with the pain.  In fact, between the pelvic pain and the back pain, I am walking with a cane just to stay steady on my feet.

I finally make it to the day of the appointment with the Physician's assistant, and she decides I really need to see the Surgeon, who agrees to see me right away.  This does not begin well.

Volume 2 ... Chapter One

So in June I got fed up with my heel hurting.  I went to my NP and told her about low back pain and pelvic discomfort (which I have had ever since my surgery 3 years ago, but which is getting worse.  I tell her I don't know if the pain in the front is worsening the pain in the back, or if the pain in my back is worsening the pain in my front.  I also have NO idea whatsoever what is causing this terrible burning pain in the bottom of my left foot.  I assume Plantar fascitis.

She prescribes me a muscle relaxer, and I set to work trying to lose some weight.  Time goes by, and if anything I am getting worse.  by July, I can't feel my toes.  I go back to NP and she adds a stronger anti-inflammatory and physical therapy.  I have an appointment scheduled to see a spine specialist in September.  She also orders an MRI.

The MRI shows bulging discs, degenerative disc disease, and herniation as well as moderate spinal stenosis on the left branch of nerves at two levels of my spine and right branch at one level.  Oh, and a 5cm (tennis ball) mass on my left ovary, probably a cyst.  Get a pelvic ultrasound. Concern is expressed in the report of a bowel loop.  Physical therapy is put on hold.  CT Scan is ordered.  CT shows that the mass has more than doubled in size in 2 weeks.  So has the pain.  It is now the end of August. I'm due for my wellness visit on the 29th. I feel like SUCH a liar.

The Last Year

Good morning.

It was the best of times; It was the worst of times.  Here's as quick a recapitulation as I could do:

In April, my supervisor had some personal and very domestic issues, the occurrence of which prompted her resignation on May 15th, 2015.  From that date to August 17th I had the responsibility of two full-time jobs and the pay of the lesser.  I had interviewed for the position and missed out on the promotion by only a tiny margin.  However, through the demonstration of miraculous favor, the original candidate backed out, and I had officially been promoted!  It took another 2.5 months to hire my replacement, who started to work on October 16th.  My work life took the best turn I could ever have dreamed possible.  This was the best of times!

In June, Riley started having seizures.  They were short and of the 'absent' sort; thankfully not grand or prolonged.  The official diagnosis was Complex Partial Seizure disorder.  Along with the seizures came a significant deterioration of behavior. All his caregivers were at their wit's end.  We finally saw the neurologist on September 30th.  Medication has helped, and he has not had a true 'episode' since beginning treatment.  

In August, Riley began 4th grade. Within the first week he had been suspended, paddled (without permission due to a misunderstanding), and removed from the school bus indefinitely.  We were a wreck.  His behavior therapist was recommending he be placed in a long-term behavior treatment facility.  Depression was creeping all around my existence. We made it through the first half of the school year but by the Grace of God. We were on a long waiting list for admission into the behavior facility-5 hours away from home.  Finally, we received a call from our first choice, which was a program at UAMS called PRI (Psych Research Institute) CDU (Child Diagnostic Unit)  This is the single best thing that could have happened.  Riley spent 28 days as an inpatient in this facility with minute-to-minute supervision, gobs of evaluations of all kinds, and answers galore to all our questions.  We know our son better now.  We discontinued medications that weren't working.  We added medicines that are.  Riley is a complicated little fella, but at least we know better how to help him.  Riley started 5th grade three weeks ago.  We've had NO disciplinary issues.  We've had NO suspensions.  We've got a little boy who has a pretty good day at school and then comes home and actually DOES HIS HOMEWORK, and READS to his MAMA AND DADDY!  The first book brought tears of utter joy.

In December, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in Mountain Home, Again, for upper right abdominal pain.  They say it is 'functional pain' that I will have to simply live with forever.  I am not really satisfied with this prognosis, but since we always seem to have bigger fish to fry, I let it go.

In January, Michael went with his mother on his first real vacation as an adult.  They had a great opportunity to take a Jamaican cruise, and they took it!  He had the time of his life, and I expect, the food of his life, too!

In March, while Riley was safe and sound at UAMS, I took the advice of EVERYONE I know and took the very unique and amazing opportunity to fly to Mexico with my friend Fredericka and spend 8 days at a gorgeous 5 star resort.  I flew on airplanes.  I took a catamaran across the ocean to Cozumel where I bought jewelery and swam with the fishes.  The water was clear and amazing.  The fish were vibrant and gorgeous.  I ate world class meals, drank lovely beverages, played with pretty pink flamingos, spied giant iguanas from mere inches away.  Talked to some incredibly lazy gators sunning themselves in the mud, and many other fun and interesting things like a tequila foot massage with a delightfully STRONG margarita finisher!  While I was there and thoroughly enjoying myself, my husband had the terrible job of taking Hunter the Super Cat to his final vet visit and saying goodbye.  He was almost 20 years old.  He had an amazing life, and an incredible personality that I dearly miss.

April 1st, I had some minor scar revision surgery to try and eliminate more abdominal pain that I have been fighting for the nearly three years since my major surgery ordeal.  It definitely fixed the ugly scarring, but I am sorry to say that it did not help the pain deep down in my lower left pelvic area.  During this time I followed my husband's lead and QUIT SMOKING.  I opted instead to start vaping.  This is obviously not the same as quitting completely, but my house is fresh and clean, and my lungs are clear and happy, and I very nearly never vape.  I haven't touched a cigarette since early April and have had many opportunities to falter.  I could never before now say that I abstained from actual smoking for this long since I started smoking at 18.  I truly believe it'll stick this time!

May came along and brought me a....Brand....NEW....CAR!!!  Well, no. Not really.  I traded my 2006 Hyundai Sonata for a very pretty 2013 Kia Optima Loaded.  I love it, but for the payment and the less than stellar backroading capability.  Meba and Papa don't exactly live in a well-appointed subdivision, you see.  May 15th marked ONE YEAR in the best job EVER!

June brought a funny thing. I started having a very sharp pain in my left heel constantly.  This pain felt as if someone had heated an ice pick red hot and pressed it firmly into the bone in my heel.  I assumed it was Plantar Fascitis and treated it as such. I was also having some pretty constant and serious back pain. The pain got steadily worse. Finally, in 

August I went in with symptoms of what I thought was bladder infection.  The urinalysis was clear.  Then I had an MRI.  This sucker kinda punched me in the gut.  I have two bulging discs, one of which is degenerated and 'dried up' to about half its normal thickness with a tiny herniation of the central portion of the disc.  I have stenosis (narrowing) in the spinal canal and the nerve root canals on both sides (mostly left) causing weakness in my hip and left leg, numbness in the toes of my left foot, and that confounded burning heel pain, which is now trying to occur on the right side, too.  And that is the least of my worries, it appears.  The MRI also showed a 5cm mass in the lower left pelvic area.  A pelvic ultrasound was ordered.  This was not too conclusive and only served to scare me worse, as they were starting to fear that I had a small bowel obstruction.  A cat scan was ordered.  This was two weeks from the initial MRI.  It showed the mass had doubled in size to 10.3cm.  The pain is increasing daily.  I am waiting to see a surgeon.  I am not very good at waiting in pain.

Last Tuesday my mom called me up to tell me that her biopsy, which I knew of but promptly forgot about because I had complete faith that it would be benign, WASN'T.  My mom has breast cancer.  She had surgery to remove it last Friday.  She is doing okay, but I am sure she is worried.

I am TIRED. Myself and several of my friends and family members are hurting.  Prayers would be super.

As I bring this recap to a close it is 11:28 p.m. and way past my bedtime.  It's a shame I can't sleep.